I have never taken the time to write you a letter expressing to you how I feel. I have been actively searching for you for at least a decade now, and my search has taken me around twists and turns -- to shocking information and to mysteries that remain to be solved. The day before Father's Day felt very triggering and emotional for me as I began to face the realization that I will be 50 this year and still do not know who you are.
Some people do not understand my need to know who you are and the tenacity of my search. They say, "why open Pandora's Box?" and "let sleeping dogs lie." They can't imagine spending hundreds of dollars on DNA tests and spending hundreds of hours studying family trees in an effort to locate one human being. Others deeply understand this far-reaching void and have been actively supporting me in my quest.
|The story of Pandora's Box|
I am asked by many people, "What if he is dead?" "What if he rejects you?" "Do you really want another father?" I have been told that you are a criminal by the woman who brought me into the world. Sometimes it is difficult for others outside of my reality to dig deep enough and understand the heart of this issue.
It will be sad if I can never meet you in the flesh, but it does not change anything for me. Whether you are alive, dead, good or bad, is not the point. I need to see your face, to know who you are/were, to look into your eyes, even if just a photograph. I need to know if you were creative -- a writer or musician, maybe? Do you love trying exotic foods and hate to follow recipes?
Do you have an odd obsession with crime T.V. and nonfiction books?
Do you wake up with music or words in your head? Are you sensitive to the point where you cry at the drop of a hat?
I am yearning to get in touch with my Latina side, but am unable to fully embrace it as there are no family members to model this for me. It seems that part of me was somehow removed and buried somewhere. I am trying to unearth that part. I am hoping you can help me do that, Julio.
I dedicate this blog to you and hope and pray that at some future time, I will be able to provide the knowledge and essence of you, to my living and future descendants.