Sunday, March 6, 2016

I have every right . .. . . .

Dear DEMETER2010:

Thank you for the kind comment at my blog today.  I was looking for some new material to write about and you gladly provided that to me.

"Hey Lynn, 
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO INSERT YOUR SELF IN ANYONE'S LIFE. She gave you up, and decided to keep you as a secret, get over it. Her children are not YOUR SISTERS OR BROTHERS. Your parents, you know the ones adopted you and worked hard to bring you up and their family is YOUR FAMILY. Jesus, the selfishness of you adoptees is incredible. Just because someone popped you out of their vagina doesn't mean it gives you some god awaful right to become a parasite and suck the happiness out of the woman's life by trying to befriend HER family. This is why mothers need to adopt filths like you."


INSERTING ONESELF

I'm so glad you brought this to my attention, because I honestly thought I had the right to drop into anyone's life uninvited. . . . oh, wait!  You obviously didn't read the other parts of my blog where I discuss paying my adoption agency $500.00 for the "chance" to know who my birth mother was.  She had every right to decline my invitation to know me.  She chose to meet me more than one time.  As did my sister. Let me guess.  You had an adoptee drop into your life after somebody lied to you for most of your life and it rubbed you the wrong way?  Maybe you should take out your hostility on the person who kept the secret, rather than the adoptee.

SIBLINGS

Last time I checked, siblings could be by adoption and blood.  Adoptees have both. I'm sorry you can't wrap your brain around that simple concept, but that is just the way it is.  I share DNA with several siblings and I have a brother by adoption.  Each of them has a right to know me or to ignore me.  Their choice and my choice as to whether I want them in my life.


SECRETS

Nobody has the right to keep anyone else a secret.  A person is not a secret (thank you, Rayne Wolfe).  If somebody has a secret, then it's not the responsibility of the rest of the universe to bow down to it.  IF an adopted person is a secret, that is not their responsibility to stay that way unless they choose to for their own peace of mind.

FAMILY

Family is what you make it.  My adoptive family and my biological family and my friends are who I consider family.  Other people make other choices, but you have no right to tell me or anyone else who their family is.

BOTTOM LINE

This comment is a perfect example of what adoptees deal with on a regular basis.  Ignorance, slander and outright hostility for doing what regular-born people do:  exploring their roots.





35 comments:

  1. Sounds like an adoptive parent who gave you that warning to scare you off. You always get tipped off that it is an adoptive parent when they minimize pregnancy and childbirth such as the term "popping you out of their vagina." Anyone who thinks pregnancy and childbirth is that easy has not given birth. In the end we as people decide who is are family and there is NO reason to try to prevent another person from exploring the possibilities. Unless of course they have an agenda.

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    1. I did not necessarily instantly think "adoptive parent" when I read this hateful comment. I immediately thought this person, whoever they are, is directing their anger at the innocent party, rather than the one who rightfully deserves the anger.

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    2. In reality we (adoptees) dont have a voice at all in the adoption process. Whats sad is that nobody wont get their head out their ass and actually ASK a child or adult adoptee about their personal opinion about the matter. Its all catered to the so called loving parents. If their so loving they should only hear the adoptee's voice because its their life. Were not a fucking cabbage patch kid

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    3. I wish I had a voice in my adoption process. Since I am a foreign adoption from Korea, the only way I will ever find my birth parents is if I post in a news paper a baby picture and a current picture asking if anyone dropped off a baby at the Buddhist temple on May 9, at 3:38 AM in 1983. Then ask if I look like anyone in that area. Being adopted has changed my opinions of free choice as well as not being overly thankful for being born, or even adopted. I always hate how people told me how I should really be thankful for my adoptive mother because she wanted me when my birth mother didn't.

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  2. Oops. Sounds like a biological sibling who got the red licked off their candy when they found out about another another sibling. Adoptees are not required to hide under a rock to keep someone else's dirty little secret. We are just as human as the kept siblings. And obviously much more human ans caring as your disgusting trolling hateful comment shows.

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    1. I'm looking forward to the day when it will next to impossible to have these kinds of secrets in the first place. Can you say open records and DNA testing for all? Yep! That day is coming . . . . .

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    2. That was my immediate thought as well. When I found my mother, her oldest son didn't take it well. He shouted, stomped, threw things, called her names, etc. He finally calmed down and talked to me like a rational human being. And guess what? No one died. I found out his biggest peeve is that he was no longer the oldest child in the family; hence, the temper tantrum. Funny thing is, since then, I've also discovered our joint mother had another son she gave up for adoption between me and him. So, he's now a classic middle child. Poor baby.

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  4. Honestly Im going to take the high road. Initially what this person said infuriated me. I don't like to be angry or feed into negatively now adays so what I am going to say is adoption is tough all the way around. Maybe somthing happend to this person and they are hurt and talking out of anger. I know being adopted has caused me all types of different emotions so I can only assume it does the same for all parties. I chose to look for my mother, the only way I got through it wad eith no expectations and fortunately it worked out, I feel no guilt or regret. Sorry for your anger towards adopted children. ❤❤

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    1. I generally do not like to give trolls any attention at all, but this was a special kind of ignorance.

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  6. The sheer anger that comment displayed stunned me.
    We as human beings have every right5to explore our roots just as the non adopted do.

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  7. Keep doing what you're doing, Lynn. I have all sorts of family (adopted, in-laws, church and friends) but there will always be an empty spot until I have answers about my biological family.

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    1. Thank you for the support! Never give up searching for what will bring you peace of mind :)

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  8. Demeter was the mythological sister of Zeus whose daughter, Persephone, was taken/kidnapped to Hades by the god of the underworld after he fell in love with her. In her grief, Demeter made the crops stop growing until Zeus sent Hermes to broker a deal in which Persephone would spend half the year above ground (hence spring and summer) and half the year below (accounting for fall and winter.) By using this screen name, this person seems imply that they are a heartless relinquishing mother who wants their child (filth?!? Really?) to stay in hell year round. Or a wicked shill trying to discourage adoptees from pursuing answers to the most basic, normal questions in the world. Great comments, Lynn!

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    1. Thanks for that insight, Rich! This explains so much!

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  9. You handled this with your usual grace and reason, Lynn. I think you have it pegged that someone was personally triggered and projecting on you. Reminds me of some of the comments on last season's Kohl's #alltogethernow commercial. Did you see that? I can send you the link if you want.

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    1. Hi Lori! Thank you and no I did not see the Kohl's commercial. Would you please send me the link?

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  10. In the day and age we live in, it amazes me when I hear people spew that archaic line of thinking out of their mouths. Most first/birth mothers welcome reunion as do their other children. The only ones who seem to think we cringe in fear of being found by our children are certain political groups who have an interest in keeping records sealed, some adoptive parents and those who have no experience with adoption.

    I'm of the mind set of once a woman gives birth, she loses any right to privacy from the child she gave up. She's free to not want a relationship once contact has been made, but this doesn't extend to a right to dictate what members of the family the adoptee can have contact with. If she has other children who don't know about the child given up, tough shit. Maybe she should have been up front with them to begin with.

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    1. I'd like to think that this is true--your point about most birthmothers and their children welcoming reunion, but for many of us born in the 50s and 60s, that is simply not the case, and we are living our lives under a double rejection, topped off with them withholding the identity of our fathers. Outstanding response, Lynn!! Serious anger issues, whoever that was. The explanation of their screen name in Greek mythology is fascinating.

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    2. Statistically, the majority of closed-era relinquishing mothers do want to know their children; however, there are a group of mothers still in the closet who don't want their current husbands and family to know they relinquished a child. It is the mother's fear of her secret being revealed is what prevents a healthy reunion from occurring or as you mentioned, the mother from revealing the father's name.

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  11. Oh Demeter, you poor thing. Does it hurt to share your mommy with others?

    Fortunately, my siblings are a tougher sort. They know that having me in their lives does not negate any love our mother has for them. Love doesn't work that way, like a cake with only so-many slices. It grows to embrace everyone, even self-absorbed brats such as yourself.

    Thank you for making your comment, though. You just succinctly demonstrated what adoptees have to put up with on a daily basis. Being told who we can and cannot have a relationship with, being told what qualifies as family, being called "filth" by virtue of our conception/birth/relinquishment....gosh, it's good we have you to explain things.

    Newsflash: Most of our mothers did not "decide" to keep us a secret; it was forced on them, much like how you are trying to force your views on Lynn now. Finding my mother gave her welcome release. She never wanted me to be a secret - that is just another convenient myth (i.e. lie) that keeps records sealed and the adoption industry in business.

    Please, for your own sake: Evolve.

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    1. Your awesomeness always shines through :)

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  12. Oh dear. Someone hit a nerve. I'm surprised she didn't add how "the woman" wanted to give you a better life... I agree with Anonymous - it's got adoptive family written all over it. Could be adoptive parents or maybe the jealous sibling.

    Speaking of "you have no right" - once upon a time someone told me rather emphatically that my cousin had no right to tell me I was adopted if my parents didn't want me to know. Now I could see her point if I was eight years old at the time. I was 31. Sorry but I deserve the truth.

    and Lynn - beautiful response. I disagree though with your statement that the day is coming when it will be next to impossible to have these kinds of secrets in the first place.

    That day isn't coming; it's already here.

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    1. Thank you, Gaye. This made me smile!

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  13. People brave enough to share the truth get under the skin of those intent on keeping secrets, so bad. Keep going, Lynn. Great response.

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  14. I'm going to go with door #1, this person is an adoptive parent. In particular, the sort of adoptive parent who believes themself as deserving of exclusive possession of the adopted person and lifelong praise and adoration for having adopted. They indeed outed themself with such vitriolic nastiness as "popped out of their vagina", meant to dehumanize the natural mother. Unfortunate that the adoption agency or whatever institution did the home study missed the red flags of narcissism and other dysfunction and allowed such a creature to take possession of another woman's child. The damage such a creature can and does do to the adoptee is profound.

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  15. To be honest that sounds like something my Birth Mother could write. She was very angry that I found her children and my half siblings. Unfortunately, after 7 years in reunion with my half sibs I could not take it anymore. I almost feel like she wanted them to turn against me. When we first met she was a distant Mom to them as well.... Now she has bonded with them and they are one big happy family that I was not invited to be part of.

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  16. They are non-adopted and have little to no respect for women...any women. That's my 2 cents. The lack of respect shows very clearly in their word choices. Sorry that happened to you.

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  17. There are a lot of surprised kept kids out there who lash out like this. I bet it's a bio-sibling who was told too late they have a secret sis or bro. The bitterness is palpable! They spew hatred at the given-away sibling like they had anything to do with it, acting like they are protecting the poor, vulnerable mother who should not have to deal with all this renewed trauma ... pearl clutching galore! Lots of ownership of and marking their territory. "It's not your family EVER since you were kicked out at birth." Sick stuff.

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  18. For some reason I can't Reply up there.

    I digested the Kohl's comments here: http://lavenderluz.com/2015/12/kohls-adoption-video.html

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  19. Great breakdown of facts Lynn.

    I have to agree with several of the other commenters, this screams (literally) adoptive parent. I've heard same from some I've known.

    1)."Her children are not your sisters and brothers." Because? It would mean the adoptee has another mommy and daddy and that just can't be. see #2 for the reason why.

    2). "Your parents, you know the ones (___) adopted you and worked hard to bring you up and their family is YOUR FAMILY."
    There are so many key words and phrases in this sentence alone as to lead to the AP conclusion. The emotionally frenzied omission of the word 'who' tells much about how strongly this person feels about this statement.

    3).The "popped you out of their vagina.." is another clue.

    The clincher is the final sentence. 4)."This is why MOTHERS need to adopt filths like you." Mothers is the word used, not 'adoptive', not 'birth', not 'strangers', not the words 'other people'(as if a sibling were writing this), this person used the word 'mothers' I think for the reason they are, you know, the 'real' mother. The one that is 'your family'.

    I hope that in time they can come to a more peaceful place and greater acceptance of the often painful realities for many of us in adoption-land. And can gracefully accept and even embrace adoptees right to know.

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