tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post7355227431059269957..comments2024-03-13T03:27:17.972-07:00Comments on Lynn Grubb: What To Do When Your Birth Mother Refuses Contact or Vital InformationUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-63703551736548190572022-04-30T03:39:37.003-07:002022-04-30T03:39:37.003-07:00I must say, I thought this was a pretty interestin...I must say, I thought this was a pretty interesting read when it comes to thisC topic. Liked the material. . .<br /><br /><a href="https://www.classactionlawyertn.com/one-wheel-skateboard.html" rel="nofollow">Skateboard-Lawyer</a>Jofraarcherahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04172345691504743112noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-20564637411213883542021-01-24T06:22:07.196-08:002021-01-24T06:22:07.196-08:00My mom was adopted from a young age and in her 20s...My mom was adopted from a young age and in her 20s she did end up finding her birth mother who was open to a relationship. We had gotten so close to her and I saw her as my grandma. We all spent so much time together it's as if we were never split apart. But just recently, my mom wanted to know who her biological father is. Yet my grandma refuses. She refused to even give a hint. My mother told her that she wouldn't even contact her father but she just wants to know who he is for closure. Yet my grandma still closes her off. It tore a rift between us. My mother know has to die never knowing about that other half of her. My mom is so angry that she wants to move away from her biological mother now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-92111350767325544382019-01-28T13:14:38.609-08:002019-01-28T13:14:38.609-08:00I knew I was adopted since I was very small, as my...I knew I was adopted since I was very small, as my mom and dad always felt it was important I have that information. They always told me that, if and when I wanted to find my biological parents, they would help me in any way they could.<br />My mom passed away a few years ago, bu my dad continues to be supportive. I was finally able to send away for my actual, non-redacted birth certificate and found my biological mother's name and when she was from. <br /><br />It took a bit of research, but I was able to find one of her brothers, so I reached out. I think it was either a complete shock or there is something wrong, as his answers were very "clipped" so to speak ( maybe five words at best). He did say he would give her my email so she could email me if she wanted to. He asked where I live, and that was it.<br /><br />I never heard anything back. I have done a lot of looking and research, and have found absolutely nothing about her at all. Zilch. Not even a name. <br /><br />I know, intellectually, it's not my fault, but still. Couldn't they at least give me the medical information? I don't think that's asking for too much. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-18008289939762316212017-11-18T06:51:18.507-08:002017-11-18T06:51:18.507-08:00I located my birth mother, through a govt agency i...I located my birth mother, through a govt agency in Quebec, Canada, the day before my birthday this year. They were to contact her and gain her consent to be in touch with me. However, she did not want to meet me and railed at the rep. about "finding her number" and her privacy rights etc..I never knew I was almost 100% Finn, (after 3 dna tests). Beyond this, I know nothing and since then, she has not had a change of heart. Apparently, adoptees in this Canadian province have no right to any other information about health history, names, nothing at all. Now, because this person has refused contact verbally over the phone, recent legislation continues to protect her until her death. I am at a complete loss as to how, anywhere, especially after over 50 years, bureaucrats can determine that an adoptee has no rights to know anything about their background! It was hard enough to launch this search. Loyalty to my adopted parents, not to mention the possibility of a salty story, made it daunting....Now, the suspense has only made it worse!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-62846010991745466402017-09-20T09:45:53.267-07:002017-09-20T09:45:53.267-07:00Hi Anon, thank you for telling your story. I thin...Hi Anon, thank you for telling your story. I think it's basically normal for any Baby Scoop Era adoptee to have some documentation that is false; however, I have to disagree with you that "changing a law to allow people access to very sensitive information is irresponsible and has seemingly caused a lot of heartache". The information does not cause heartache -- it helps adoptees to be treated equal and to know where they come from; however, it's how people REACT to our information (and stories) that cause heartache, as shown by how your sister reacted to you. I don't believe forcing people into counseling is the answer. I don't want the government to tell me I need counseling in order to know who I am. I have a right to my birth certificate just like a non-adopted person. Do we ask non-adopted people to get counseling before we release their information? The heartache comes from the secrets and lies that people perpetuate and don't want to address later. Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15575558244573598420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-48321545473868900802017-09-20T02:02:52.383-07:002017-09-20T02:02:52.383-07:00I was adopted as a bub in 1963 and commenced looki...I was adopted as a bub in 1963 and commenced looking for my birth family in the early 1980's and was successful in finding them in 1996 from an original birth certificate. It stated that my parents had married and had three children in the 1940's and then I cam along in 1963. A change of life baby?? My mother was 47 when I was conceived so my brothers and sister were in their late teens and early twenties when I was born. My birth father died just prior to my birth and so I was given up for adoption as there were no single mother pensions back then. Make sense? Well that is what the non-identifying information and the original birth certificate told me. I met my sister briefly and she told me that the birth certificate was a lie, that my mother had had an affair and I was the product of the affair and that it had broken up her marriage to the man that was listed on the original birth certificate as my father and that he had indeed died prior to my birth but was not my actual father. Lie much? My now half-sister told me to never contact her family again and on top of that she would not disclose the name of my biological father because he had run off as soon as he found out my birth mother was pregnant and it would not be a "good idea" for me to contact him. Hurt much?? I have met aunts and uncles and nephews, all of whom knew nothing about me and thus I have been fortunate to see family resemblance and gain ample medical history. It has been hinted by family members that this half sister has mental health problems which I tend to believe however for me, the whole experience screams for formal counselling for both parties or at least an intermediary to speak between the parties. Changing a law to allow people access to very sensitive information is irresponsible (even with the possibility of veto) and has seemingly caused an enormous amount of heartache. If the laws are changing to allow people to have birth family reunions more easily post adoption then for God's sake have the decency to back these political decisions up with some kind of counselling...... the children who were put up for adoption are ones who need protection and should not have to fight with their birth families to gain medical history or other information from biological family members who refuse to be decent enough to offer this whether they want a relationship or not. Wasn't it all "for the sake of the little ones" in the first place?? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-84387398143649354262017-09-03T19:03:13.813-07:002017-09-03T19:03:13.813-07:00What would you say to someone who had a 5 year reu...What would you say to someone who had a 5 year reunion of being very connected, relating and closeness. We hit a few roadblocks of dissagreements, where the rest of the family pretty much turned her against me. I wasn't perfect in it, certainly didn t deserve that though. She couldn't handle it and said she needed a 6 month break. It's been 2 or 3 years now. and a month ago, I finally decided I'm done. I've read alot of articles, don't see much on a happy closeknitted and loving reunion gone awry. It's clear to me now how it's going to be. I'm still dealing with the pain which even manifested as physical symptoms. It takes alot to work this out in myself, and any help is always good. Ive come a long way and I know that I'm strong, loved and will get through it, just takes time. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12364307924069747390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-39406596801042741812017-09-02T18:12:35.423-07:002017-09-02T18:12:35.423-07:00I am so happy that I found this blog & I thank...I am so happy that I found this blog & I thank you for writing. So, I am not adopted nor have an adopted child. But I was contacted by a young lady who it turns out is my brothers child. A lovely gal, who like many just wanted to know her birthparents. My brother has totally rejected her & told her to never contact him again. The why? is because he is sure that his wife will divorce him. Would she? Possible she would. Just so you all know, all members of the families are affected by these situations. So I am operating on the premise that nothing is hidden forever & I have encouraged my niece to have contact with as many of our family as she wishes. The dna is out there & not a week goes by without a cousin writing to ask, who is this person? I always recommend that she answer those people honestly, same as I do. Might be pie in the sky but I believe that all things will always come full circle. My niece, my family & I am keeping her!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-74809894258019031602017-08-12T22:11:11.425-07:002017-08-12T22:11:11.425-07:00Thank you for writing this. I have been dealing w...Thank you for writing this. I have been dealing with this situation for 20 years, refusal of contact, and I have waited many of those years to even be able to find anyone to address the issue, affirming it exists and I am not the only one. Thank you for addressing it, and providing insight into the birthparents' point of view. Their refusal of contact and information has made me feel I must embody their shame.<br /> Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00966741776724741366noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-55352098433638809772017-05-23T10:43:04.022-07:002017-05-23T10:43:04.022-07:00To Indiana,
you're not alone, I found my moth...To Indiana, <br />you're not alone, I found my mother as well 2 months before I turned 50 for the same reasons I wanted to know my heritage if there any sickness or illnesses that runs in the family cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes ect...... <br />that's all! She doesn't want to do anything with me she blocked my number lol. But I have 8 younger siblings but only 2 of them talks to me. She doesn't know this... But yes it really really HURTS I have a lot of anger and sadness because of her. What's hard for me she kept having children after she gave me away. And I look just like her too.... I'm seeking counseling I'm also having a hard time exciting rejection how can a woman have a child walk away how can they live with them selfs. I'm a mother of 2 son's. . No way I could of done that.<br />I love my babies 28 an 30 years old. . I don't think you could sew her but we do have rights tho... we didn't asked to be born! I think of my mother as a selfish B&*#$Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14522468651699830456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-54694023758288590232017-05-23T05:28:25.311-07:002017-05-23T05:28:25.311-07:00Hello Jan E! and the others who are in our same bo...Hello Jan E! and the others who are in our same boat that's sinking. I have thought of writing to the Editer of the local Billings Newspaper about what my bio did to me (she blocked all communication and would not give me anything about myself at all). I am too two old to keep any secrets at this point in my life. I am going to seek the possibility of filing a suit to get my basic human rights info. if she doesn't tell me anything on her own. I feel that my life and even my daughters life could be in danger in that I have a blood disorder (that was inherited) and I have breast issues that might lead to cancer. These family medical issues could have been told to me? I certainly think so! My adoption was out of state and closed with my papers impounded so I am trying to dig out of this.anonymous in Indianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03815192924033428637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-39458786741906814042017-05-23T03:47:06.795-07:002017-05-23T03:47:06.795-07:00Hello to everyone who reads this, so here goes...I...Hello to everyone who reads this, so here goes...I located my birth mother at age 50 after searching for years (30+). I sent her a cellphone text asking if she was possibly in relation to me - she flipped out and texted me that she wants nothing to do with me and "is not a happy person" do to the fact that I found her. All I asked for were any medical conditions that I need to know about and also origins eg: Irish, Nat. American or whatever. She actully blocked my communication with her (she has only a cellphone). No bio father name - nothing! I'm thinking of trying to sue for this basic human needs information that I requested? Can I do this? I am a very successful RN with a daughter of my own an I want this info for her (and me of course). I am going to ask a family lawyer (or human rights lawyer today I think! I have been devastated by this, but am more angry a than upset. My adoption was closed and private from 1963 Billings Montana. Her name is rita vincent or now rita boe (can I state this here?) Thanks for reading this - I was adopted into a wonderful family with simply fantastic parents but this rejection thing is really eating at me - I cry often over this!anonymous in Indianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03815192924033428637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-34312488905170230342017-04-30T22:32:41.775-07:002017-04-30T22:32:41.775-07:00I have every right to contact siblings whether or ...I have every right to contact siblings whether or not it wmbarrasses my bio parent. That shame lies with them not me. I have self respect I am nobody's dirty secret.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08692390478492894893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-52227105130853527622017-04-30T22:29:17.119-07:002017-04-30T22:29:17.119-07:00Again no. I am not a stranger. I am their long los...Again no. I am not a stranger. I am their long lost daughter nor do I care that the pain is too much and that's why they reject. It's a cop out. Time for them to grow up instead of pulling everyone else down in their misery. And anonymous you're cruel and insensitive and see adoptees as commodity.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08692390478492894893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-44555161156895509022017-04-29T17:54:40.761-07:002017-04-29T17:54:40.761-07:00I was adopted 70 years ago and have recently been ...I was adopted 70 years ago and have recently been approached by birth relatives who wish to meet me. I did so and it was wonderful to at last see someone who looks like me. I (through the appropriate authorities) approached my birth mother to sanction these meetings and the case worker was abused and told to go away. I was at first disappointed but am now angry (and I am not an angry person, what right does a birth mother have to try to stop me meeting my relatives. I was hesitant at first to go ahead with meeting relatives as I did not want my birth mother's secret to be revealed and to cause her undue stress but now I feel that I will go ahead and meet these new cousins. At 70 I feel I am not responsible for keeping her secret anymore and I do not wish to meet her. Jan Ehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01279393129258015892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-69025002882184345102017-04-25T17:32:39.021-07:002017-04-25T17:32:39.021-07:00Hi..I am 45 yrs old and I was a private out of sta...Hi..I am 45 yrs old and I was a private out of state adoption. I had an amazing upbringing. I was in my twenties when I met my biological mother.The plan was for me to never find her. My parents hired a PI and then my daddy contacted her. We all met and it was a answered prayer. I am a secret. She married a couple yrs after my adoption. She did not tell her husband or kids. I have asked her to please give me information about my biological father. I have been denied any information. I am now going to do a DNA test with Ancestory to see if I have any luck. I want to know medical information. I also want to reach out to my father. It's my choice and I have told my biological mother that I am doing this with or without her help. I know that I may not find him and if I do...there may be rejection. I am prepared. I will never quit looking for him. I do not have to explain why I have a yearning for that last piece of the puzzle. I attended adoptee and birth mom groups for years. I live my biological mother yet our relationship is now strained. I have full support of my parents and always will. If the DNA does not give me any results then I will hire a private investigator. Everyone has a reason for the search and unless your adopted...you will not understand the desire. Cheri from North Carolimanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-24844099274651797522017-04-18T00:24:25.808-07:002017-04-18T00:24:25.808-07:00My situation is different, I kept my 3 kids until ...My situation is different, I kept my 3 kids until they were 7, 4 and 2. Two of them are autistic anf it was too much for me. I had no help. The younger two are living with an ex friend that is very problematic about visitation and i cant afford a lawyer and the child support fees so I havent visited in 6 years and dont intend to. This was all very painful and traumatic for me. Occasionally she sends pics and all i see is ugly. I feel no love or connection. Reading this, I now understand where this is coming from. Its not that im a terrible human, but the pain and trauma was deep and so my subconcious is rejecting what these children represent for me. I might be open to meeting with them hen theyre adult, in 8 years. Not before that, because my "friend" i know will have me come by once, and then keep them away for a year or more, all while makinh excuses. I just cant handle that and in fact it makes me angry and want to hurt her. When theyre 18 i wont be seeking them,but i would consider meeting if they wanted.casiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11610316619598393102noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-91473370593002286212017-04-11T15:30:34.130-07:002017-04-11T15:30:34.130-07:00Anonymous, you present the same tired argument ado...Anonymous, you present the same tired argument adoptees get every single time we attempt to share our experience. Here's a heads-up: <br /><br />We do not owe anyone gratitude for being alive. I do not expect it from my own children and none of my parents expected it from me. And if any of my kids ever thanked me for not aborting them I would probably run away screaming. That's just weird. Anyone could have been aborted - Adoptees are not "near abortions" or "almost abortions". My birth mother would be sickened by the idea. <br /><br />And Lynn never said we should bully or embarrass anyone into acknowledging them. Adoptees are put into an impossible position that we have to deal with. We were traded and brought up by genetic strangers. No matter how loving and magical society tries to make it, it is not natural. What *is* natural is to search for our roots. Being treated like pariahs or The Dirty Secret is not our doing and I for one will not quietly go away because I make people uncomfortable.<br /><br />And as for doing what makes us happy, nothing makes me happier than to find answers. I do not and have never tried to force a relationship on anyone, but I will never stop looking for my own answers, even if that entails contacting people connected to the relative trying to block me. No one gets to be the gatekeeper on the relationships in their family. I will keep searching no matter what. If reunions happen, that's bonus. This is not a waste of time, this is a noble quest. Elle Cuardaighhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00222171410004792066noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-15300492528961784132017-04-11T15:16:33.731-07:002017-04-11T15:16:33.731-07:00Dear "Anonymous",
All of us in the ad...Dear "Anonymous", <br />All of us in the adoption constellation have many rights and wishes. We may not always get all the answers we want in the time frame we wish, but it is normal and OK to want our personal information as it pertains to our existence in this life. There isn't a sane person on this earth who wouldn't want joy and productivity in relationships. As adopted adults seeking answers, I assure you that our intent is not to bully or coerce biological relatives. (Goodness knows they may have already experienced that from other "authorities" in society back in the day.) However, there is never anything wrong in asking for as many answers as we can get. Personally, as an adoptee who sought out bio family members myself, I had / have no desire to focus on all the negative, "disempowering" times. I agree that the most important thing is NOW. However, to get to NOW and then move forward, sometimes we do have to research the past. Then we can reach an understanding and find compassion.<br />Responsible adoptees are not like the paparazzi, digging for dirt. <br />We seek understanding. You cannot understand if you do not have facts / truth.Paige Adams Stricklandhttp://stricklandp.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-3586712675650076012017-04-11T13:26:12.567-07:002017-04-11T13:26:12.567-07:00"You could have been aborted"-- that is ..."You could have been aborted"-- that is the most asinine thing I think I have ever heard from clueless people to adoptees-- as if we are the only ones who that could happen to? And we wouldn't be having this conversation if it had. Flip the script indeed-- if no other rebuttal to this ignorance, I think that should be our first and foremost--it's a moot point. Ugh!! Sophinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-37728677656515612182017-04-11T09:26:43.247-07:002017-04-11T09:26:43.247-07:00Also, for clarity's sake, Lynn, my comment abo...Also, for clarity's sake, Lynn, my comment about "I couldn't have said it better myself" was in response to your comment about "let's flip around your comment" and did not pertain to your comment about 'did it ever occur to you.' Whatever I am saying in relation to pursuing only mutually willing relationships applies to both sides: the birth parents as well as their biological children. Later in life, I have begun to realize that whatever I do to others, I am really doing or creating for myself. So while I may find myself in relative power over others in certain situations, I need to think long and hard about how I will use this apparent power. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-9493498921360095222017-04-11T08:05:37.910-07:002017-04-11T08:05:37.910-07:00I am a great believer in people following their bl...I am a great believer in people following their bliss and joy. However following that bliss (for some people) might be their right to be left alone. If that is a person's preference I also believe in the wisdom of allowing people to be left alone and that if we force a reunion upon unwilling people, that forceful act may diminish everyone's personal happiness.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-88154804935294561782017-04-11T06:40:27.979-07:002017-04-11T06:40:27.979-07:00Did it occur to you, Anon, that there could be Joy...Did it occur to you, Anon, that there could be Joy in reunion, even after a rejection? There could be healing and love in reunion? There could be forgiveness and happiness in genealogy, and having relationships with cousins? Believe it or not, seeking family information does make some people happy :) Lynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15575558244573598420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-43260700733653705642017-04-11T05:50:17.926-07:002017-04-11T05:50:17.926-07:00My main point was (from whatever perspective a per...My main point was (from whatever perspective a person is coming from) not to waste your time with non-reciprocal relationships. Focus on the joy in your life. Don't spend your time trying to force people to acknowledge you by going to other family members in order to embarrass or bully someone into acknowledging their past or to having an undesired relationship. All of our lives are too valuable for that. Focus on what makes you happy. Reach for that next highest feeling of love and appreciation that you can find. Stop focusing on negative disempowering events in our lives. Move on to finding happiness where you can find it. :) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8950217803502790967.post-44444290734404117402017-04-11T05:27:20.005-07:002017-04-11T05:27:20.005-07:00Excellent! I couldn't have said it better myse...Excellent! I couldn't have said it better myself!!! :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com