Are you anti-adoption?

I have come to realize that if you are critical in any way of the adoption industry, the label "anti-adoption" will be placed on to you.  It's a way to continue the black and white thinking that exists within the adoption community ("It's beautiful" or "It should be abolished"). It's also a silencing tool. When someone labels an advocate anti-adoption or "angry", it is justification on their part not to have to listen to a person's valid criticisms.

I am in neither of those camps.  I believe there are valid reasons for adoption.  As a former child advocate in the court system, there is no doubt that some children will have no family to parent them. First and foremost, children need protection, stability and loving parents.

I am pro-child, not anti-adoption.  

Most people do not realize that adoption  has changed throughout history to mean different things. At one time, adopted kids were seen as "bad seeds" and my own grandmother was upset when I came into the family via adoption.  During the Baby Scoop Era, the cultural view in the white community was that unmarried mothers were loose and incompetent parents.  This cultural imperative prompted millions of women (my own mother included) to relinquish their children.

As a result, millions of babies were "scooped" and adopted to biological strangers "as if born to." Adoption files and original birth certificates eventually became sealed tight and when the adopted children grew up, we were (and many still are) forced to live in a limbo of sorts as to where we came from.

Today the focus is less on adopting kids from foster care who have needs for a loving family to a focus on  "creating a family".  Prospective adoptive parents pay large sums of money to adopt internationally when there are many children inside the U.S. who need homes.  The idea within private adoption has flipped from helping children in need to helping yourself to children that belong to other families.  The U.S. Christian community has created a "movement" of sorts to increase adoptions without fully understanding the ramifications of doing so.  They see adoption as a Biblical mandate and many believe that God wanted children adopted, even though the children were born to different families.

I believe that all children have the right to be parented by their biological families.  If that is not possible, then I believe children should then have the right to be parented by extended family or close friends they already know.  If there is literally no one in the family to parent, adoption is a valid choice.  Adoption is usually preferable over group homes, institutions or foster care (unless an older child prefers one of these arrangements).

I do not agree with changing children's names or sealing of adoption records or birth certificates; however, the law in the U.S. allows it at this time.  I am vehemently opposed to the profit and greed and advertising for babies within private adoption.  There is no reason in the world that a private domestic or international adoption should cost upward to $40,000.00.  That is "legal" child trafficking any way you look at it.

So when you read what may appear to be anti-adoption sentiments on this blog, I am writing about the private adoption industry.  I grew up within the institution of closed adoption.  It has affected my life every day and I feel strongly that if anyone has a right to criticize the industry, it is me.

 I am not criticizing public adoption agencies (i.e. Child Services) that place children with foster families or temporary custodians who will later adopt them for almost no cost (most public agencies have a public attorney and it does not cost much or anything at all for families to adopt from foster care).  I fully and completely support foster-to-adopt for children who need homes and want to be adopted (older children should always have a choice).

When I criticize the private adoption industry, it is not an indictment on adoptive parents.  I am an adoptive parent myself.  I do not blog about my daughter's personal life except in the most general terms out of respect for her story being her own; however, I will say this.  Our adoption of our daughter was a way to keep her safely within her own biological family.

Could my daughter or any other child have had a "good life" with non-relative adoptive parents? Sure she could have.  However, keeping children with biological families needs to be a priority for children, when possible, especially when they are too young to have a voice.

If every private adoption agency in the U.S. shut down, I would be o.k. with that.  The private adoption industry is out of hand and needs a complete overhaul.  Women should never be allowed to sign away their children just hours or days after they give birth and agencies and attorneys should not be be profiting from it.  Children should never have to sacrifice their original identities in order for a family to love and care for them.

Something needs to change.

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's Longing for itself 
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you

You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies, but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you,
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."

 -- Kahlil Gibran


  1. I'm an adoptive mom. My two daughters were adopted through foster care. We have an open adoption with their bio grandmother as much as her ill health allows. Their bio father is in prison; he spent his childhood alternating between foster care and his parents' meth lab. I would love him to be part of our family but for obvious reasons he isn't. Their bio mother is an addict; however, we've recently reconnected and she has two years sober!!! We are moving forward slowly.

    I am disgusted by the private adoption industry as well. I am a foster adoption advocate and an open adoption advocate.

    1. Hi Lynn! Thank you for commenting and visiting!

    2. """There is no reason in the world that a private domestic or international adoption should cost upward to $40,000.00!!!""" There is no reason a family should be paying monthly for an online profile either. It is a terrible business model that gives sites such as adoptionDOTcom absolutely ZERO incentive to help the family. The adoption industry is every bit as corrupt as you state. That is why we are working on developing a site to make adoption about #Love and #Life instead of about money. The children of the world deserve it.

    3. You are the type of people who should be adopting but too often selfish unkind people (totally not like you) adopt. The other sad part is the brainwashing adoption agencies do. It broke my heart to see a bio mother from my neck of the woods tonight say she refuses to see her son even though the adoptive parents do an open adoption. She won't even read the letters about him. Only her husband, the child's father (they had him when they were young) reads them and has seen his son a few times. This woman clearly needs help, as do many bio mothers, because the agency brainwashed her into thinking she has no right to have any contact with him even though it's an open adoption! Arrrrgh!

    4. As an adoptee, how do you think it feels when that birth parent doesn't speak to you?
      From personal experience I can tell you it makes you feel worthless.
      my birth mother was brainwashed and it's stole her from me no only for the first 18 years of my life but apparently permanently.

  2. Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Are you anti-adoption?":

    I agree with this. I adopted through a private agency last year. While I obviously love my daughter and am happy that she is part of our family, I regret participating in a corrupt process. We swapped our daughter's given name and made it her middle name, picking our own first name. Though we talked to her mom about it, I regret it and, if I could do it again, would act differently. The thing is, people rave about how great we are for having kept her middle name. It makes me feel ashamed.

    1. But you can undo what you did right? If you regret it, there is no reason to have things remain in a way your ashamed of.

  3. I needed to contact you so maybe I could at least get an honest answer.As to the day 1973 September 25th,1973 I have yet to have an honest answer from any agency,social worker .Search angels try hrd and are didsappointed themselves .How sad is that ? When I read the article about narricisum making good bedfellows with adoptives -then I knew the social worker lied when she lost my in search 1st letter she supposedly sent.She claimed it got lost at the P.O.Box as it was across the street from their agency.WOW She really thought I was that stupid ! I read that narcixxists do that in this adoption industry.Not onr told me the truth about anything .Have you ever heard a social worker in the archives tell the title of the mothers job? This lady did .She told me that he was a lawyer but when she lied she told on herself and said she tried to get in touch with his office and the secretarys thought she was a solisitor??No fax,No home phone connection.That us also another wild story.At the end of her made up story she said "Well maybe he could have been a lawyer" She never tried for a search even though she was paid by the state as that was money from my disability check (Government check so they paid for nothing too)I am 67 and he was born 1973 ,I forget his exact age (memory loss)I will never forget him and he was really wanted ,even had a baby shower for Daniel.His father is deceased now.

  4. You put that perfectly. I'm in the same camp as you. Not all adoptions can be painted with the same brush. The issues that took place during the baby scoop era (of which I was a birth-mother) are not the same as issues today. We need adoptions today for the reasons you have stated. To be anti-adoption is to be an ostrich with its head in the sand. Yes, adoption issues have brought me the greatest pain in my life, but thank God He helped me through those issues. And today, my birth-daughter and I are a part of each other's lives. It was however, a long, long, long journey. Thank you for speaking out on this subject with a perspective that includes people; people of complex lives and complex emotions. Brilliantly put.


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