Raise Your Hand if You are Adopted

(Note: this blog was revised on 12/3/21 from it's original version published in 2015).

The Sunday before Mother's Day, our family was sitting in the pew at church as was the usual routine.   I was hoping for a great mom-parable or just something "light" and "happy" to prepare for what many adoptees, can be a triggering day.  While the world celebrates mothers, many adoptees are grieving on that day.

Sitting next to my daughter in our pew, I noticed she was drawing a picture.  My attention was drawn back to the sermon, as I heard the pastor discussing how God brings us into His family --- that He "adopts" us.

I pay attention when I hear the word "adopt" as it is thrown around quite frequently in the media, legal field and as it relates to pets. So I was completely taken aback when I heard these words from the pastor,

"If you are adopted, raise your hand."

My eyes quickly darted around the church at the congregation and I noticed a couple hands went up. One of those adoptees was a teenager who still remembered living with his original family.   I then looked to my left at my daughter and her hand went up.  I sat there not moving.  Then the pastor looked at me and said something directly to me about my being adopted (unbeknownst to me my daughter was pointing at me!).

I heard but didn't really hear the comparison of our adoption by God with earthly child adoption.  I was somewhat shocked that this was the sermon topic and even more shocked that adoptees were being asked to raise their hands.  

I am from Generation X and the Presbyterian church I grew up in was silent as it relates to child adoption.  I have no memory of any sermon, discussion, or comparison to God's adoption of us.  I have no memory of ever being singled out at church because I was adopted or asked to discuss my experience or feelings in a group or in public.

What was said by the pastor after that initial question no longer resides in my memory.  My emotions had been hijacked and I could no longer focus.

Later reflecting on the experience, the scenario felt mortifying to me.  In a similar way that it's mortifying when I hear an adoptive mother tell me that she asked her daughter to stand up in front of their church and give testimony about being adopted (creating a sense of obligation and sharing private details).  The same way I feel mortified when I hear in a sitcom someone telling their sibling they are adopted is being used as a joke (obviously, it is being used as an insult).  The same way I feel mortified when I overhear someone at work talking about her sister's "adopted kids who feel this or think that". (as if anyone can truly know someone else's inner feelings).

(Recently, I have been mortified that Dear Abby can't seem to get it right.)

Pastors:  Be very careful preaching a sermon that uses legal adoption as a feel-good story, a demonstration about God's love, or framing it around being "saved."  Do you understand that loss is at the core of every adoption?  If you do decide to preach on the topic, I hope you have done your homework and have educated yourself about the actual lived experiences of adoptive families. 

Listen to your congregants who are part of the adoption constellation. Many of us have a hard time accepting God's love, especially when we think of him as a parent-figure.  Some of us, even many who are not adopted, feel abandoned by our mothers or fathers and fear God may also abandon us as randomly as our parents did.  

I have worked as a church administrator since this blog was originally published six years ago and I can tell you I have not met one pastor who was educated on the seven core issues of adoption.  I can tell you of those I know or formerly worked with, only one of them took an active interest in understanding the lived experiences of adoptive families.

Her name is Dr. Nowak of the Blessing Center.  I am thankful for her openness in understanding on a deeper level.  She introduced me to a group of women, a few of them also pastors, who deeply listened and supported my adoption education and advocacy.  It was truly a blessing for me to have support and encouragement that what they were learning through my experiences was helpful and appreciated.

As both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I don't want to be singled out and discussed as part of the sermon making a not-even-close comparison of  how losing one's family and gaining another one is comparable to God's adoption of me. Or worse, that this loss of my first family was in God's plan. That is not to say that there are aren't plenty of Christian adoptive families who frame the experience this way.  There are many who believe that God's hand was in their adoption.  Yet, there are also many of us who know more than we care to about human manipulations and money exchanged in the adoption industry.

 Asking someone to raise their hand if they are adopted is, in my opinion, a violation of privacy and not appropriate to do in public group settings. Critical thinking is a must.  We cannot continue to follow the media's lead and wrap up adoption with a bow and discuss it in black and white terms.  We cannot turn to celebrities or media "experts" for adoption education.   

Some guidelines:

*Don't single us out in public.

*Don't make assumptions about how adoptees feel about their own adoption status.  Some are happy to share the information and others will be mortified with your prying.  Some see adoption as a win-win and many of us see adoption as a lose-win and there are others who see it as lose-lose.  If you don't know, don't assume.

*Avoid talking about other adoptees you are related to are know that feel differently than an adoptee who is trying to educate you.  (Read about the seven core issues of adoption).

*Don't repeat stereotypes about adoption such as, "you never know what you will get" or mentioning adopted characters in books or movies or in real life who do bad things, such as serial killers or "the bad seed".  I have a list of my favorite documentaries here.  This is Us is a good beginner series to watch.

*Educate yourself and others on how God adopting us into his family is nothing like earthly, legal, money-exchanging, U.S.A. adoption and speak up if you hear a sermon or other generalizations being spread to the public about how the two are the same (they are not!).

*If you are a pastor, please educate yourself on how adoption today is nothing like the concept of adoption was during Biblical times and should not be used in illustrations involving God's love.  This is hurtful to children's developing concept of God.  ("did God not want me to be loved by the family I was born into?") -- this topic can be many other blog posts, but I will send you on over to Adoptee Restoration for Pastor/Adoptee Shrodes to educate you on those topics.

For deeper reading, here is a book I can recommend called:  Reimagining Adoption:  What Adoptees Seek From Families and Faith.

Please remember that adoption is a complex, emotional life-long journey.