Thoughts on 15 Significant Steps Toward Adoptee Healing

My friend Pamela Karanova wrote about 15 steps toward healing and it got me thinking about my own journey.  

Pam has so much insight into healing from the ground up, coming from a birth family and an adoptive family that did not provide her the love and care that she deserved.  In my mind, what makes Pam such a leader in the adoption community is her ability to move toward healing herself without having extended family support on her journey.  Now that is truly an accomplishment!

We all know adoptees who had fantastic adoptive parents who did the best they could given the limitations of closed records and a lack of post-adoption services in many communities.  However, it is now becoming a well-known fact that most adopted people suffer from developmental trauma – this is pre-verbal trauma that happens in utero or during the first 1000 days of life.  In other words, even with the best adoptive parents, that is no guarantee that adoptees won’t have significant pain and healing to deal with throughout their lives.  Adoptees attempt suicide at 4X the rate of the non-adoptees.  That number speaks for itself.

Pam asked on Instagram if anyone has used any of these methods and I want to comment on my own personal journey using her list of 15. So, let’s begin!

1 and 2 we can combine. Pam states we need to accept that these are the cards we were dealt and also accept that the pain is here to stay.  This reminds me of the saying “that which we resist, persists.” 

However, acceptance is a lot easier said than done.  Because we had no control at the very beginning of life, I believe this gives us a few extra challenges in moving toward acceptance.  One could argue that the non-adopted also had no control when they were born; however, the majority of the non-adopted were not purposefully and permanently separated from their original families at birth (or for some, as older children).  Because our trauma is unseen and for some of us, even unrecognized, it is more difficult to accept it as real. 

It is also a tough pill to swallow that our pain may be with us forever.  (#8-Trauma work) Developmental trauma actually changed our brain in a way that makes us more hyper-sensitive and in some cases damaged our attachment to adoptive parents and others we are in relationship with as adults.  There are trauma therapies out there to explore such as Brainspotting, EMDR and somatic therapies. I encourage adoptees to read up on trauma (The Body Keepsthe Score by Bessel van der Kolk is a good start) and decide for yourself if it is an issue for you.

There will be times when you will feel the pain and there will be times when you are just living your life not aware of pain, but in my experience, the pain will show back up at some point.  Pam’s main point about acceptance is that in order to accept ourselves and our stories, we must have the truth.  And truth means nothing hidden. 

Many of you have followed my story know that the name of my birth father was hidden from me until this year.  I was unable to grieve and heal that missing part of my history until I knew the truth – his identity and the circumstances of why I was given up for adoption.  I understand those now and have started my healing journey and am sporadically writing a memoir about my search for him.

Pam was a real sweetheart and called me one week before I found out who my father was and she said, “Lynn, you will need to accept that the pain is here to stay.”   Pam and I discussed the constant ache inside that would not let up in the not-knowing.  For me, that ache finally went away when I learned and grieved the truth.  But then, alas! More pain arrived.  Once I learned who he was, I had the pain of the secrets and lies to grieve, the pain of all the years I spent believing the lies, and just grieving that my search had ended when it was such a huge part of my identity for years.  I now expect more pain to arrive in the future as it relates to my adoption story.  I'm currently living (today) pain free, but that is no guarantee I won't have a bad day next week.

3.   Non-adoptees will never understand you.  I have had many try their hardest, but unless you have walked a mile in our shoes . . .. nope, probably isn’t going to happen.  The adoption experience is unfathomable to most because one would have to understand how it feels to grow up knowing very little about your history/background, a lack of a birth narrative (did we just fall out of the sky one day?), and not seeing the faces of your relatives mirrored back to you. 

Non-adopted people experience their birth story and genetics as a matter of course, and they take it for granted, as they should.  But because of this, the non-adopted have a really hard time validating adoptees when we feel sad about not knowing our stories, who our bio parents are or feel disconnected from our cultures, countries, roots and even ourselves.  The non-adopted also have a hard time understanding why we can't just "let it go" and "get over it".  

I have experienced many well-meaning people who automatically believe they know and understand my story because they have a cousin who is adopted or because they saw a few movies on the Lifetime channel about adoption.  Some people not only fail to understand, but they make our pain worse with comments like, “there is probably a good reason your mother doesn’t want you to know who your father is.”  And these are not uneducated or mean people.  These are people who cannot and do not understand what it is like to have people and institutions purposefully withholding your personal information.

Even when we find answers and for those of us who have had the opportunity to reunite, we learn quickly that non-adoptees have a hard time understanding anything outside of the happy, clappy reunions they have viewed on Long Lost Family.  It is not about reunion for some of us.  It’s about knowledge.  Knowledge is power.  Non-adoptees take for granted the power of knowing who you are and growing up with a solid identity.

As I have said, I have known many who have tried to get it.  I have known far more who won’t and don’t want to.  Stick to your adoptee tribe when discussing adoptee things. 

4.  Stop Trying to Teach Others About How it Feels to be Adopted When They Don’t Want to Learn

I mainly write for adoptees, but I am always happy when non-adoptees come to my blog and learn something helpful.  However, my energy is better spent on other endeavors that trying to explain this experience to people who really don’t want to learn.  Google is for everyone and if you want to understand an adoptee perspective, there is no shortage of learning material for you out there written directly by adopted people.

One area where this has been a real sticking point for me is the Adoption versus Abortion debate.  My own birth mother told me I should have felt grateful I wasn’t aborted when she learned my pro-choice stance.  My being adopted is not a testament to anyone’s pro-life beliefs.   I support women controlling their own bodies.  Of course, this stance can turn into the never-ending debate that goes something like this, “Well, Lynn if your birth mother aborted you, then you wouldn’t be here.” Yes, that is obvious.  And I could say that is true for every human being walking around on the planet.  Do yourself a big favor and do not entertain questions and comments that put a burden of gratefulness on to you because of other people’s ideas about adoption.

5. Healing is a lifelong process and if you need professional support, find an adoption-competent therapist because mainstream therapists will completely ignore your adoption experience as they are not taught about adoption unless they specialize. Don’t waste your time and money trying to educate someone who you are paying to help you.  I would give you the exact same advice if you are looking for a lawyer.  You may have to wade through a lot of therapists (or lawyers) to find the one who gets it.  Keep looking.

6. Walk Away From People Who Won’t Save Space for Your Pain. 

There are people who won’t be able or willing to hear your pain because it would mean they have to do something different in the relationship and they aren’t willing to.  Or hearing your pain might mean reconsidering the entire paradigm they have believed about adoption (or really, any issue you are sharing with them) their entire lives.  Do yourself a huge favor and instead of beating your head up against a brick wall, discuss your pain with people who can hold it for you without judgement. After much trial and error, I now only discuss my adoption pain with a small circle of adoptees I trust.

7. Continue to Search for Your Truth.  I’m not kidding you-the day after I found my birth father, I immediately plunged into a couple other searches for adoptees I knew that did not know their birth fathers.  I literally did not miss a beat.  I think it helped me to cope with the overwhelming feelings of finally knowing.  Having the truth about my own situation helped me to look at one particularly difficult case I had been working on for a long time with new eyes.  Our situations were parallel and I was excited to be able to use my new awareness and skills to help other adoptees find their truths.   If you need help with your truth and are just beginning with genetic genealogy, go here.

9. Legally Change Your Name.  I honestly have not really considered doing this.  I love the idea of it though especially because I’m really into genealogy and I think about my future descendants trying to figure out who I am and why my name doesn’t match theirs.  However, I have a tree on Ancestry that will hopefully answer their questions once I pass on.  I know many adoptees who have gone back to birth names or who have combined their adoptive and birth names.  I am happy with my married name for now, but who knows what will happen in the future!

10. Finding Purpose in the Pain.  I think I have been doing this all along by writing about adoption for over a decade.  It is the only topic that I have felt compelled to write about in my life and I am certain it is because the pain runs so deep and I want to be a part of changing how we “do adoption” in this country for future adoptees.  No more secrets and lies and holding our documents hostage.

11.  Connect with Other Adoptees in Person.  I do this on the regular!  Find an adoptee support group like Adoptees Connect or Adoption Network Cleveland.

12.  Find Your Voice.  I think my blog speaks for itself.  However, even though it appears my voice is well developed, there is always improvements to be made.  I am currently working on being more vocal in my personal relationships and letting go of "people pleasing".  Adoptees tend to have the disease to please and it's one that does not serve our higher good.

13.  Find Yourself, Trust Yourself and Love Yourself.  Working on that every day.  Once we have our whole truths, it is much easier to know and love ourselves.  I have recently listened to Shahida Arabi's book, The Smart Girl's Guide to Self Care and found it helpful and empowering.

14.  Understand that All Adoptees are at Different Spaces.  Hold space for those adoptees who are foggy and not in a place to understand the complexities at the same level that you may be at.  We were all in that place at one time.  Let’s give them time and space to process and give them a soft place to fall.  Invite adoptees still early in their journeys to a live support group so they can get a good start on their support.  Or just be a listening ear one-on-one for them.

15.  Balance is Key.  Adoption is not my life or my entire identity.  It’s one small piece of a much bigger me.  I recently disabled my personal Facebook and stopped watching the news to get more balance in my life.  I let go of a couple toxic relationships in my life and I’m spending more time just being with myself without the constant noise going on around me. I have a few close friends who are not adopted and hobbies not related to adoption that keep me in balance.  There will be times when we feel off balance and sometimes we need to take a break from Adoptionland for our own sanity. There will be times (hopefully) you forget you are adopted and don't want to read one more thing or talk to one more person about adoption.  That is o.k.  Trust your journey 💙