The Broken Mirror

When I was growing up, like many others, I was fascinated by Alex Haley’s miniseries, “Roots”.  It aired in 1977 when I was 11.  I hung onto every word of every episode.  When I was older, and I could get the entire miniseries at the library, I checked it out and watched it again. 

I believe the reason that show had such an impact on me was because the story of Kunta Kinte was passed down through his ancestors.  Each generation kept the story intact for the next and it connected them all to each other. 

They were proud of who they were, and they never forgot where they came from.  This knowledge of their people gave them an identity during years of slavery, separation and other traumas they endured. 

I longed for the family stories of my ancestors as a child.  I would have given anything to have an accurate understanding of who my people were and what kinds of challenges they overcame – to know what they valued, loved and why I came to be separated from them. 

Without that knowledge, I felt directionless, unable to see myself clearly, with all my flaws, gifts and strengths.  I lived with a broken mirror.  

When I gazed into my mirror, I did not see the beauty of my biological mother’s curly hair or the brown eyes of my biological father staring back.  I only saw a distorted view of myself – somebody who was not attractive or popular - someone who did not belong. 

I also saw someone who wasn’t good enough -- someone who was floating around untethered to the people who created me and those who created them. 

I called my mom this week to see how her Covid vaccine went, and I mentioned the broken mirror.  I said, “Had I known then what I know now about myself and my ancestors, life would have looked very different.” 

She reminded me that when I was a young adult I wasn’t really in the habit of listening to other people’s advice. True enough. 

I reminded her that it doesn’t matter how much advice you are given when you are holding a broken mirror. I can't help but imagine how this knowledge of myself and my ancestors could have made such a big difference to me as a child and young adult.

The broken mirror also applied to my relationship with God, or lack thereof.  I know more Bible stories than most of my friends because I grew up in church.  I always felt connected to life spiritually (via music, water and animals), but religion rarely resonated with me nor answered my deepest questions.

All those begats and begots in the Bible – clearly God seemed to lay great importance on genealogy. So why couldn’t I have mine? Why would God rubber stamp the separation of my first family? 

As a kid, the unanswered questions brewed inside of me.  I would never be satisfied until I learned the truth and I would continue to look into my broken mirror.  

But what can a kid do besides ask a lot of annoying questions about their birth parents? 

So, this quest would have to wait until the right time.  When would that be? 

One way I practice spirituality today is trusting that God/Universe will show me the right timing and provide the right resources or people to help me.  I am getting better at being patient as I have learned my timing is not necessarily God/Universe' timing.  Doors open and people appear in a timing that I could have never engineered on my own.  Sometimes doors don’t open.  And I also see that as an answer.

Trying to live in the here and now is tough when you have spent decades searching for your people.  If I am being honest, I can admit there were times when searching bordered on an unhealthy obsession.

However, knowing my ancestors has given me permission to be wholly who I am. 

Without the broken mirror, I can see for the first time the strengths that eluded me before, the faults that I denied in the past, and the knowledge that people love me in spite of and because of who I am.   

I am loved and protected by God/Universe and I fully embrace the freedom to do and be anything I want in this life.  Will it be smooth sailing from here?  Of course not.  However, I am better equipped now to see myself and others clearly, accept responsibility for my past choices, consider all I have learned about myself in future choices, and leave behind anything and anyone that does not honor the path I now travel. I truly believe that "you are not for everyone" (see graphic) and everything is not for you.  

One of the gifts of having a mirror now that reflects my truer self is that the desire to people please has mostly left me.  This has had a huge impact on my life in that I no longer accept jobs, projects or relationships that are not the right fit for me.

Sometimes after years of searching adoptees discover a relationship with birth family is not possible; however, a connection to the stories of our ancestors can allow many of unknown parentage to feel re-born - to fully be able to love and honor themselves like never before.