Defining Family: The Intersection of Biology, Adoption, Marriage and Soul

 

While we collectively experienced the pandemic of 2020, it collided with all the other events that happen to each person on the planet.  

Even during this monumental world event, we still have to make money, feed our families and keep our mental health in check.  All of it takes a lot of energy. 

Looking back, it seems like the world went into survival mode and we are just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

Entering back into the student role again in my 50’s has been interesting and it seems I am once again being thrust into a new Heroine’s Journey (highly recommend these 9 podcasts about that!).  

Biology is king (and queen) in genealogy.  Should adoptive relatives be added to your tree when they aren’t truly your genealogy? (you can ponder that ongoing debate for yourself.)

For me personally, in 2020, I experienced several events collide at the same time: my husband’s near-fatal heart attack, a family member’s mental health crisis, and the conclusion of my decades-long birth parent search.  How I have managed these circumstances and grown through them has changed me on a deep level.  

I imagine I am not alone, as individual changes can mirror how the world is changing in how we work, live, love, and communicate. 

I have been staying in touch with my support circle via an app called Marco Polo.  It’s really been a life-saver and allows me to communicate with my sister/best friend in Australia, a  beach-writers group, and a few other important people.

As I was using the Marco Polo app over a period of months, I had an epiphany of sorts today during a discussion with my soul sister.  The realization may also have to do with being in the crone stage of life. I have let go of things, jobs, drama, people and ideologies that no longer serve me.   The Crone energy encompasses a desire to speak out, give your own needs priority and a desire to give back collective wisdom to your tribe. It’s a shedding of skin, so to speak. 

Because I have been blessed with experiencing multiple family types (adoptive, biological, step, in-laws), I have realized something that many already suspected but have not necessarily experienced:

Family is who you choose to surround yourself with

For many, that means you will rarely step outside of your culture, your blood and your location of birth. For others that means you see the family you married or adopted into as your true family.  And for others, you may see the family you created (spouse/kids) as your true family.

For some, it will encompass all of these, or possibly, none of these.

It may have something to do with knowing so many adoptees and hearing about attachment difficulties growing up, we frequently choose non-relatives as family – a soul family – people we deeply connect with.

If you are into more mystical thinking, you may believe that this soul family planned to join you here on the earth plane ahead of time.  For others with more traditional beliefs, you may say that God planted these people in your lives. 

However, what this means to me is that we are drawn and feel connected to certain people and they may have different roles or titles, but those roles or titles are not what is important.  What is important is that they get us and we get them.

It’s taken me a long time to recognize that just because someone is your mother, child or biological relative, does not mean you will share this kind of connection.  As an adoptee, it is psychologically normal to fantasize about unknown birth families.  For some of us, the fantasies were positive and others, negative, or a mix of the two.  

But fantasies are just stories we make up to fill in the blanks of not-knowing.  They are rarely based on truth and instead are based on desire or fear.  They are very powerful and can lead us astray.

My B.S. meter is well developed and I trust it now, 100%. Intentions and promises no longer mean that much to me. I like people whose words and actions are in congruence with each other.   It’s taken a long time for me to trust myself.  Adoptees are gas-lit on the regular and pressured to see birth or adoptive family as their real families.  Rarely does someone ask how the adoptee feels about family.

I compare coming out of the fog to being deprogrammed from a cult.  The cult of adoption. I am so far out of the fog that I can remember the protective bubble of denial fondly and even longingly at times.  Being in the fog as an adoptee is like being a child in an over-protective family.  You feel safe, but you haven’t really stepped into your truth.

I choose to be with people who get me, who are all in, and they demonstrate that by their actions.  Our souls recognize each other and the labels of blood, adoption, and marriage are no longer hindering me from seeing clearly who loves, supports and gets me.

My soul family does not have to be in my pocket, so to speak, and in fact, we may not speak for months at a time. But when we see each other again, we jump back into our stories and connect once again. 

Who is part of your soul family?  (Please comment at my Facebook page).

💓