Letting Go of False Beliefs

 

I was recently chatting with Jennifer Ghosten, podcaster over at Once Upon a Time in Adopteeland and she mentioned something that has been on my mind. It was the topic of healing.  

I have always been of the belief that we may never completely heal from complex trauma caused by relinquishment; in fact, the world has yet to recognize that adoptees as a minority group have complex trauma.  

However, I am committed to move toward healing by facing my fears, examining my triggers and processing the grief surrounding my adoption. 

Once we can uncover who we are genetically, learn and understand many of the missing pieces of our heritage, our work is not complete.  

If you consider yourself someone who leans toward a growth mindset, then you may want to attempt to uncover any false beliefs you hold lurking around and cause suffering.


We all carry around false beliefs that were taught to us by our families, society, religion and people we have close contact with.  

In my own healing journey, I have learned that there are sets of false beliefs that as a young person I accepted as true. 

The challenge when healing is determining which beliefs we want to hang on to and which ones we need to let go of. One of my favorite books that touches on this topic is called, “The Way of Integrity” by Martha Beck.

Belief 1 – "I was abandoned because of some flaw in me."

Adoptees as a group have a lot of abandonment issues, rightfully so.  Even if we weren’t left at a remote location unattended, even if our birth moms created an adoption plan and placed us through professionals of some sort, many of us still FEEL abandoned.  Feeling abandoned sets us up for false beliefs about being unloved, unwanted and unworthy in some way.

I can attribute my strong sense of self to the good enough parenting on the part of my mom (the one who adopted me) and a set of genetics that worked in my favor.  My mom instilled a level of trust and self-confidence in me that helped me to realize my worth. That’s not to say I had great self-esteem--at one time it was really bad.  If you have listened to my memoir, you know that I once had a physically abusive boyfriend. 

When I was in kindergarten, I asked my mom about a neighborhood latch key child who was also a bully.  I inquired, “Doesn't his mommy love him?”  By the age of five, I already knew that being physically present for your child was a form of love.

I know now that my birth family did not want me. My maternal grandmother wanted me gone so her daughter could get married with a clean slate and the family could bypass any shame from their upper crust friends. If I sound bitter about it, it's because it still angers me at a deep level that our society took part in a collective lie surrounding closed adoption (but I digress).

Yet, I know now, standing from a place of confidence, high self esteem and healing, that my relinquishment had  absolutely nothing at all to do with my worthiness.  My birth family's decisions said something about the culture at the time, their way of coping with crisis and about what they valued.  

I was innocent and deserved my birth family to love and care for me as we all expect our families of origin to do. 

My belief changed.  My worthiness is in no way tied to my birth family’s decision.  We are all born worthy. I deserved to be raised by people who loved and valued me (and no, this is not an adoption promotion campaign.)  All children deserve to be loved, protected and valued by their families of origin.

Belief 2 – "My birth family will be like me."

This one totally killed any chance that I could continue a reunion with my maternal side.  When reality smacked me in the face – that we had very little in common – I just could not process the sadness, disappointment and the reality (or unreality) that was presented to me surrounding my conception circumstances.  

As someone who highly values the truth, I was gob-smacked that I could be brought into the world by a person who does not live in the same reality as me.  I kept staring at my birth certificate wondering if it was fake.  I now know for certain we are related thanks to DNA. But back in 2006, I was thrown for a loop when my belief – “my birth family will be like me” was challenged.  

Living forty years with fantasies contributed to the shock and trauma of meeting my birth family.  I lay responsibility on the closed adoption system for the disaster that my reunion truly was. Do I have some physical resemblances? Sure.  Do certain talents and careers run in the family and remind me of me? Yes.  

However, our values and way of living on both sides of my birth families are radically different than the way I have chosen to live my life.  This does not mean I feel superior or inferior but I do have a new belief: “it’s o.k. to be different from my birth family.”

So that wraps up the two beliefs that plagued me for many years, which I am now happy to report have been resolved for me.  Time, therapy, self-care and understanding my own values has helped me to ferret out any false beliefs that cause me harm. 

One belief I hold today is this: We all deserve love, peace and happiness. 

What are some false beliefs you are carrying around with you?

Is it time to let any go?



 

 

 

 

 

 


Comments

  1. Thanks for addressing this so thoroughly - for sure it is a huge task for Adoptees to tackle - (although everyone has to do it to some degree)

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  2. Great post. This is really good. Thanks for sharing this information. Keep sharing.
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