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Showing posts from 2013

Coming out of the Fog

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This morning I woke up and saw heavy fog out my dining room window.  I had to get out in it to drop off my daughter at school and swing by a generous friend's house who had left me a food-present in her freezer inside of her garage.  As I was driving through this thick fog down Dorothy Lane through a school zone, I started thinking about what it used to be like when I was living in the adoption fog. For some of you, "adoption fog" might be a strange-sounding term that has no meaning to you.  Let me explain.  Quickly link here for a brief idea of what will follow: Adoption Reconstruction Stage Theory When this diagram was first posted on Facebook, there were some upset people who commented. Many said they didn't agree with the final stage of acceptance, especially that we "find peace" with our adoptions.  Many pointed out these stages were not be in order.  Like the stages of grief (Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Acceptance), you can flip flop thro

Adoptees Supporting Adoptees

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This past weekend I had the pleasure of driving to Indiana to meet in real life with a fellow adoptee who I had met on Facebook, spoken to by phone and through Skype.  Her name is Lisa and I will be posting her interview on the Adoption Perspectives show regarding her adoption story below. We met in Richmond, Indiana at the Cracker Barrel Restaurant where Lisa ordered her favorite food -- chicken and dumplings.  I ordered the sampler platter and only liked the Chicken and Dumplings. Our lunch felt comfortable, like we had met many times before.  Lisa shared with me the details of her reunion with her brother who too loves chicken and dumplings.  Lisa also shared with me the many difficulties she has experienced while searching and processing new information she has learned during reunion.  Details aren't important for this blog; however, it was so nice to be able to speak freely with another adopted person about our struggles growing up adopted, how we began to heal and search, a

When Your Adoption Reunion Goes Bust (Hold on to the Good)

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I wanted to do a post about "failed" adoption reunions because I hear from many adoptees who are in the same boat as myself. I don't like to view my adoption reunion as a failure. I have had many people (including other adoptees who have not taken the plunge themselves) assume that my reunion was a failure because there were certain outcomes that did not meet my expectations.  I look at my adoption reunion as successful, even though the relationship with my mother could not last. I have no regrets at all about my reunion. I had two decades to think about having a reunion with my mother and deal with all the emotional baggage that comes along with being raised in closed adoption.  At some point, I decided to hell with the outcomes, I was just going for it.  (I got in touch with my inner badass ). On some level I knew that my reunion with my first mother would not be a life-long relationship. Before I flew into Philadelphia, I had carefully prepared a photo album of

Adoption law in the U.S.: The True Villain in the Baby Veronica case

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I don't claim to be a legal expert* -- only one of many millions who have watched this train-wreck of a case come to pass. I'm just another adoptee who has an unknown father out there somewhere in the world.  My father was not considered in my adoption nor was his parentage considered as important to my "case".   My father was neither notified or asked what he thought of my adoption -- according to my adoption agency. I was talking to my husband today about how the Baby Veronica case demonstrates the larger problem of father's rights in this country.  My husband, one of the best men and fathers I know, was treated poorly by crappy divorce laws (like millions of other men) and he responded by doing the right thing (paying child support and driving out of town to visit with his daughter every other weekend for over 10 years).   Like Dusten Brown, my husband's  role and importance in his daughter's life was minimized and marginalized by not only his form

Being a "bitter" and "angry" adoptee is hard work

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How many times have I been accused of being an "angry adoptee"? Well, usually I am accused of this when I point out something blatantly wrong about the adoption industry. Usually, it is a non-adoptee or an adoptive parent who says it.  It is usually never another adoptee unless they have not dealt with their own adoption issues. In fact, I've been accused of being too adoption-loving by some adoptees.  That one just blows my mind! I'm usually accused of this through electronic communications (probably because adoption is not my favorite topic of conversation in real life) by people who have big computer screen kahunas, but would never call me up and say "Hey, help me to understand your perspective here."  I have been told not to show so much emotion on my blog.   I've been accused of stepping off my spiritual path.  I've been told I have "anger issues". And you know what?  I take all of these comments as a compliment. I know

The Pros and Cons of Relative Adoption

Pro:  Keeping a child within their biological family I listed this first because I believe that this is the biggest pro of relative adoption (also known as "kinship adoption").  Roots, family and kin are so important to adopted children.  It is a child's right to be with their kin if it is possible.  Knowing where you come from should never be underestimated nor should a child's knowledge that the family he was born into wanted them to stay part of the family.  Many adoptees believe that there is no good reason for adoption even amongst relatives, but I disagree.  Adoption, as it is currently practiced, is the best form of permanence currently available for children.   I didn't say I liked the way it was practiced, but its permanence is something I do like.  Con:  Visitation and contact is not guaranteed Just because a child is being raised by an aunt and uncle or a grandmother, there is no guarantee that there will be any form of contact.  Once the adopt

How does your mother feel about you searching?

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One of the extra fun bonuses about being adopted (and especially for those of us who speak out about it), is that other people (mostly non-adopted) believe they have the right to ask silly questions such as "how does your mother feel about you searching"? (referring to my adoptive mother). Within some of these questions are hidden meanings such as "you should feel guilty" or "how could you be disloyal to your mother like that?" among other messages that give me a headache to even contemplate. So today I will answer this question once and for all . . . . . I have no idea. She has never directly told me how she feels about it. She has said this: "It hurt me when your birth mother did not ask me about your childhood" It took her seven years post-reunion, for my mother to admit this to me.  This is a touchy, sensitive topic between my mother and me.  It was so difficult for me to tell my mother when I found my birth mother, that my

Adoption is a legal solution to a spiritual problem

I wrote a poem called " Adoption is " and wanted to expand the poem with a blog. Today I will focus on how adoption  can be viewed as a legal solution to a problem that, in my opinion, is spiritual in nature. I am not enough This is one of many thoughts that a pregnant woman has when she is considering relinquishing her child for adoption.  It is the central theme in my own relinquishment and in my daughter's relinquishment.  If either of our mother's believed they were enough, then adoption would have never entered the scene.  Believing we are not enough is a spiritual sickness.  It's a way of not loving ourselves. It's a society sickness when people tell a pregnant woman that she is not enough because she does not have enough a) money b) maturity c) support or d) love to raise her own child. I am not going to argue the point that there are many things necessary to raise a child and that in some situations a woman may not be have the proper tools to

The Big Lie: Birth Parent Confidentiality

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photo credit:  deebright.com Myth:  Birth Parents were (are) legally promised confidentiality .  A friend of mine who is on the board of the Adoptee Rights Coalition has collected many Birth Parent Surrenders (some from long ago and some more recent) and in none of them is there a "promise" of confidentiality (or anonymity) to the birth parent from her child.  There may be a clause that prevents the birth parent from contacting the adoptive family.  But the gist of the Birth Parent Surrender has legal terminology that is clear that the parent is no longer the parent under the eyes of the law.  Period.  No promises are made other than she no longer has any responsibility or rights for said child.   I have a copy of  the legal surrender that my daughter's birth parent signed. It only takes away rights and does not give her any form of anonymity, confidentiality (other than what is expected in attorney/client privilege) or promises of privacy. Myth:  Birth parents

Imagine Never Knowing the Day you Were Born

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Mayan Indian tribe symbol I was speaking to my friend Jenny via Facebook last night and she let me into the secret world of adoption in the South American country of her birth:  Colombia  I first met Jenny when I was trying to decide whether to get my dna tested last year.  She was among many who suggested the idea to me and explained to me her results in being Native American and about the different tribes in Colombia.  Jenny has shared a lot of information with me about being Latino which has been invaluable to me not growing up in the Latino culture.  I learned this from her: Hispanic is not a race. It is a word that means anyone of Latin, Central, Mexican, Puerto Rican American descent. Hispanics can be any of the 4 races ( European, Sub Saharan African, Native American, Asian). Native Americans in South America, although different tribes, are of the same race as Native Americans, now referred to as First Nation Peoples, in North America. In Colombia the main tribe wa

"My friend is adopted, and she . . . . ."

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Photo credit: Devon Goldstein After having a very frustrating conversation this past weekend with a non-adoptee, and after reading Deanna's latest  blog over at Adoptee Restoration, I feel the need to discuss a few concepts with (hopefully) the non-adopted.  I hope and pray that some non-adopted people happen upon this blog if they know or love an adoptee in their lives.  Otherwise, I am just preaching to the choir, because for the most part, adoptees understand the concepts I am going to outline below. Living in the United States (the adoption capital of the world) makes it very possible that each of us has some connection to adoption.  If not in our own family, then a friend's family.  Every person I have ever spoken with about adoption, shares with me the connection to adoption in their own life (I love that part about adoption conversations).  However, sometimes, the sharing of their story is a way to invalidate what I am sharing with them. invalidate [ɪnˈvælɪˌ

But you're not my "real" mom!

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Stepmothers, adoptive mothers and maybe even some biological mothers have heard at one time or another the "you aren't my REAL mom!"  It could have been because your child didn't get his way or didn't like a decision you made or something you took away, or maybe like in my daughter's case, she said it matter-of-factly in the middle of a conversation recently about something insignificant enough I can't remember it.  I do remember we were sitting on her canopy bed and she said "but you aren't my real mom" to me for the first time. My immediate reply to her was: (pinching arm) "Well, I think I'm real.  I'm sitting right here.  I must be real!" My daughter laughed and we moved on to some other important topic like "why won't dad let me use the new computer?" My first reaction to not being called "real" was not fear, insecurity or upset.  I didn't feel any need to defend myself.  I didn

Was it God's will I be adopted?

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photo credit:  riverroadumc.org Many in the Christian community and otherwise, believe that it is God's will and under his direction that children be adopted.  I am not going to get into a Bible study on this blog, but I will mention many Christian concepts as they frame my beliefs about adoption. Many parents tell their curious adoptees when questioned, statements like these: "God wanted you to be our child"  "You were chosen by us" "Your birth mother gave you to us as a special gift" "You are God's gift to us"  I believe for the most part adoptive parents want to soothe and help their child understand their complicated circumstances.  However, I also believe the statements above and statements similar to these, do the opposite. Being chosen is generally not true It is true that adoptive parents choose to adopt, however they do not choose a particular child, for the most part. Even if they did choose a particular child