Lynn Grubb

We learn in the context of other people’s questions*.   I wrote these words down on a sheet of paper on Thursday. On Friday night, I watched this concept come to fruition during #adoptionhappyhour with Indiana Adoptee Network, which featured a panel of threemale late-discovery adoptees . (Please join us here! ) Not being an LDA myself, I turned to the internet for research : “The few studies that exist indicate that the late discovery of adoption is linked to psychological distress and feelings of anger, betrayal, depression, and anxiety. ” This should be no surprise considering many LDAs learn that almost everyone in their family knew they were adopted but kept the secret along with their parents. As someone who grew up knowing from a very young age I was adopted, it’s unfathomable to imagine learning this vital information as a young adult or in middle age.   As I listened to their stories, I hung on almost every word, imagining what it must be like.  S...

I was reading this poignant Dear Adoption, If I Could post today written by a 17-year-old Colombian adoptee.  The feelings are raw; however, I could identify with all of them.  In the comments, there was one that stood out to me which was kind but explanatory of why a child might be given up . . . .the commenter, Cindy, writes,  “Please know that so very many mothers and fathers wanted their children with all their heart and soul.  .  .. . circumstances or forces beyond their control often separated them from the children they loved and wanted. If a family is in severe poverty and no one aids them and there is no hope of help, a parent’s heart will find a way to keep their children alive . . even if it means letting them go to someplace or someone who can ensure they will be fed and cared for.  It’s no ‘choice’ but rather desperate circumstances . . . . . “ On the face of it, this comment seems perfectly true and appears to want to help the or...

photo credit:  engage.synecoretech.com Today I am writing about a collaborative approach to finding one or both of your birth parents. This is especially helpful if you have already gone down the genetic genealogy/DNA testing route but you don't have close enough cousin matches to make a connection with one of your birth parents. Keep in mind that statistically, you could get a close match any day, with the number of people testing; however, there are certain adoptees, like myself who have a parent who was a recent immigrant to the U.S. that may prevent you from getting close enough matches in a timely fashion.  For example, you will be looking in your DNA, and see all sorts of distant cousins from Italy, but you just can't pinpoint who that parent is, because you only have clues, and not cousin matches close enough to begin investigating their genealogy. But looking at your ancestry breakdown, you realize that this parent is at least 1/4 Italian, maybe even 1/2 Italia...

I have seen Kristen Chenoweth live at the Women of Faith tour in Columbus, Ohio.  I admire Kristen’s musical talents and abilities.    I respect that she loves her parents and that she believes that her adoption is the biggest blessing of all. However, I just cannot bear that on National Adoption Day she thinks it is o.k. to refer to herself as “an adopted child," tell future adoptive parents that their child is a gift and that they were chosen to be their child’s parents.  I cannot bear that she describes herself as “chosen” in 2015 and tries to tell other adoptees how to feel.  She writes: “And then, lastly as an adopted child I encourage other adoptees to remember what blessed lives we have. We weren't abandoned; we were chosen. We were given a chance. I'm not saying it's not hard or that it's easy for people to understand. But it really isn't for the world to understand; it's for the people who are involved.” Not every adoptee had a blessed...

A pattern I have noticed when speaking with my fellow adoptees is how narcissism (narcissistic parents or just narcissistic thinking) can easily creep into adoption.  In fact, the adoption system is a minefield of narcissistic thinking. What are you talking about, Lynn? Stay with me here. Let's start with a brief definition of narcissism.  I am not going to quote the DSM  here -- we will leave that to the psychologists and social workers.  I am going to talk about narcissism in plain English.  These traits are common in narcissistic people or systems: * lack of accountability, abuse of power and lack of transparency * sense of entitlement * lacking in empathy and ethics * secrecy * magical thinking  * all about the image, not about the truth * making friends with people in high places * lying * corruption/greed *objectifying others for own gain In studying narcissism over the past 20 years, I have noticed many parallels to adoption that ...

Today I am interviewing Lisa Floyd, adoptee extraordinaire! Lisa and I have met in person a couple times -- once we met half way between our houses (I am in Ohio, she is in Indiana) to have lunch and do a little shopping and another time, Lisa joined my daughter and I for a weekend trip to the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  We were like two giddy teens hanging in the hotel room together.  I love meeting adoptees in real life whom I have shared many conversations with on-line first. And adoptee-bonding time is the best! Lisa is an Indiana adoptee in reunion with both sides of her biological family.  She wrote an essay titled, "Discovering the Real Me" for The Adoptee Survival Guide. Hi Lisa! Thanks for joining me today!! I was curious -- what made you want to write an essay for The Adoptee Survival Guide ? I wanted to write an essay for The Adoptee Survival Guide, because I wanted to let adoptees know that they're not alone and there is a way to come out ...

*based on the lecture of Dr. Paul Sunderland Adoptees can easily be tipped into catastrophic thinking (due to what felt like a life-threatening wound/trauma of relinquishment): These wounds have their roots in Shame and Anxiety (which underpin all addictions) Anxiety tells us: The world is not a safe place They will kick you when you are down Better not tell it (don't be vulnerable) If you want to get it done, do it yourself Keep yourself to yourself Don't show who you really are "Everybody needs some anxiety.  But people with early psychological wounds, have anxiety in bucketfuls." Shame tells us: I'm not good enough It's the bad baby. I'm unworthy.   I'm unlovable.   I'm flawed There's something wrong with me. I better not tell anybody. How do I need to be in order to be accepted because being me isn't o.k These feelings are consistent with both addicts and ADOPTEES who seek professional assistance. Al...

I drug my poor husband to the movie Philomena the first week the movie came out.  He is such a good sport and he seemed visibly moved by the movie.  He didn't cry (like his blubbering wife) but he got extremely angry at the treatment the "real" Philomena endured in the Irish Laundries.  This is not a fictional story. This a true story of how the Catholic Laundries of the past shamed pregnant women by not only stealing their children, selling them to Americans and others but then forcing them to work off their room and board.  As shown in the movie, no sympathy, empathy or understanding was conveyed to these "wayward" women.  Only punishment for sex outside of marriage and their "sins". What movie-goers may not understand is that this is not just isolated to Ireland.  This happened in Australia, Canada and the United States.  (Meet some other U.S. Philomenas  here ) This happened to my mother.   My mother was fortunate that she was not i...

 The overwhelming majority of the non-adopted have an extensive family medical history that they take for granted.  For example, many of the medical issues are well-known in the family such as Grandma's diabetes and great grandpa's heart condition.  They know their blood brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. and if they don't know personnally, somebody in the family knows the diseases, conditions and illnesses that each family member has or has experienced or has died from. When a child is placed for adoption, their life is put in danger if a complete medical history is not ascertained by the social workers or attorneys handling the adoption. The right questions need to be asked of both sides of the birth families and documented. My medical history consisted of this:  "All family members were in good health as could be ascertained from the record." HUH? Later in the file, the social worker admits that my father did not know about my conception, so th...